HUMOR: Hantavirus Infects 16 People on a Cruise Ship, but Fails to Wipe Out Humanity ... and 10 More Good News Headline Predictions for the Next 12 Months

SOME CONTEXT FOR ANXIOUS READERS OF THE NEW YORK TIMES

256 million hikers to be totally ignored by America’s wild animals this park-visiting season

Aortas of nation’s 78 million red meat eaters will continue functioning despite “landmark” study linking beef to heart attacks

5.3 billion airplane passengers will land, unmemorably, at their intended destinations

Vast majority of forest dog-walkers will not get Lyme disease, though old-school public shaming techniques will def come back into fashion if they keep leaving poop bags on the ground

37 million cruisegoers will lose 1/5 of their brain cells, but will NOT contract a contagious illness, onboard a cruise

After 1,400 conflicting stories spanning three decades, scientists will conclude that wine is “Fine, when consumed in moderation”

150,000 folks will walk under ladders and go on to have perfectly nice days

None of the 31,456 unplanned child-dog encounters around Massachusetts will result in bites or crying

Zero Tanglewood-goers will contract malaria when stung by mosquitoes on the lawn. (Thr…